


There Is Another

by holdupjustnow



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Slow Burn, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers, kylo ren is lonely, rey starts to understand what thats like
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-15 11:24:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13030008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holdupjustnow/pseuds/holdupjustnow
Summary: He regards her quietly, like he had been expecting this. She feels his loneliness, sitting at the back of her throat like bile. It doesn’t unsettle her like it used to, but it does feel different. Heavier. Larger. More fearful than before.‘You’re alone.’ She says.‘I’m in my chambers.’‘No. You are alone.’He doesn’t blink. His jaw tightens and she sees the stirrings of his rage.‘So are you.’





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> it has been so long since ive written a fic. a long time since ive shipped a new pairing! but the last jedi was just too damn good, and i see something really interesting in rey and kylo ren. certainly not love at first sight, maybe not love ever. 
> 
> i look forward to exploring their dynamic, here.

A red sky bleeds into the black sand. She can hardly tell where the ground ends and hell begins. Her, kneeling, hands and elbows and the crown of her head against her fists. The wail that rushes in her ears is wild. An animal breaking free, tamed when it was meant to hunt. It claws up from her belly. She is the one screaming.

She digs and digs to escape the horrid sound. Sand gives way to more wretched sand. It is under her fingernails. It is in her mouth, her nose. Digs, until a pool of water emerges, breathing up and out of the earth beneath. She will be okay. She needs to look at herself, and she will be okay. Bows her head over the water, opens.

The eyes that look back at her are obsidian and burning and afraid.

 

*

 

They land on Batuu. It is an Outer Rim planet that sits as close to the edge of the galaxy as you can get, according to Poe. It used to be trading hub in the years before hyperspace travel, and for a time a sanctuary for those fleeing from the First Order. Now, it is a wasteland of a place, a near empty planet with the memories of lifeforms rooted in its dirt. Mountains stretch across the horizon, Batuu’s one powerful sun casting a brilliant sunset over the peaks. They land the Falcon by a mountain face that has a small metal hatch door. It opens without too much fuss, and they shuffle in.  

Now, there are forty-seven of them.

 

*

 

General Leia begins by sending out distress signals. She tries to reach out to every ally she has won over the years, for help, for money, for comfort – for anything. To know that someone is out there, and they stand with the Resistance.

It sickens her how much they need money. Nothing will happen unless they can fund the rebellion. General Leia spends the first night counting, writing numbers on the walls in chalk over and over. Credits for weapons, credits for carriers, credits for food, credits for droids, credits for computer systems and credits for ships. That all comes before they even work out the plan.

She already knows what the plan is, what it must be. She knows, and takes no pleasure in the truth.

Funding their great revolution will come in time. For now, today, there is only survival. Expert fighter pilots are sent out to scavenge for food. Medical professionals fashion beds out of grass. Engineers attempt to reconnect the electricity in the hub they found. There are a few computers, outdated they may be, but it is all they have.

Rey sits. Somehow, amongst these people she fought so hard to protect, she feels out of place. Not with Finn – Finn is her home, her centre. A friend so true he’d run into a First Order cruiser for her. It’s everyone else. Are they looking at her different? What do they know? She trained with Master Skywalker. That is all she told them.

Do they know her mind is connected to Kylo Ren’s? Do they know she can feel him a hundred parsecs away? Do they know that in a cave on an island he took off his glove and pressed his hand to hers?

She felt a darkness inside her. Her first real glimpse at the dark side. And now, somehow, they all know. General Leia could sense it, and had told them. Chewbacca had seen her on that island, struggling against the pull of the dark. He told Leia, and she told Finn.

 

They move around her, working. They are trying to live, and keep hope on the way. She wants desperately to join them, to laugh beside Finn and let Poe teach her how to fly with one eye closed (which he swears he can do).

Rey sits.

 

*

 

A week on Batuu, and they haven’t heard back from anyone. General Leia is not concerned. They are sending signals very far across the galaxy. It will take time for them to be received, and replied to.

Their cave-turned-hide out affords little privacy. She feels as if her skin is crawling with everyone’s eyes on her. She needs a moment away, just a moment for herself. They are roasting small native rodents over a fire. Dinner, as it was the night before and the night before that. She slips away easily enough.

It is almost impossible to see at the back of the cave. Electricity had been wishful thinking, apparently. Away from the fire, she is invisible to her friends in the dark. Rey leans against the cold wet wall of the cave and sighs. She tries to breathe like how Master Skywalker taught her. She reaches out for the Force and feels it even here, on this stowed away planet on the edge of the galaxy, buried in a rotting cave, perfectly balanced and moving in and between her.

Then, for a moment, the air in her lunges vanishes. When she draws breath, she feels it. Him. Her eyes stare vacant. She cannot see him yet. She hears him breathe. A shaky, awful sound.

As fast as she hears him, she now sees him. In his usual black garb, Kylo Ren sits on a rock before her. His clothes blend him into her surroundings, so much so that it almost appears as if his face hovers before her. He looks tired. She doesn’t care.

He regards her quietly, like he had been expecting this. She feels his loneliness, sitting at the back of her throat like bile. It doesn’t unsettle her like it used to, but it does feel different. Heavier. Larger. More fearful than before.  

‘You’re alone.’ She says.

   ‘I’m in my chambers.’

   ‘No. You are alone.’

He doesn’t blink. His jaw tightens and she sees the stirrings of his rage.

   ‘So are you.’  

His deep voice surrounds her, loud in her quiet corner of the cave. He isn’t wrong. The Force be damned, he isn’t wrong. They stare at each other a while longer, as long as their bond will allow. She feels her hate churn, and something worse. She feels her heart beating like it did when they fought side by side on the First Order destroyer. The rush, the ease with which they danced, the hum of the lightsabre echoing their energy as they used the Force together for good –

   ‘Rey! Rey?’

Finn’s arm shakes her free. He’s looking at her with concern.

   ‘Sorry I – I was meditating.’

   ‘Jedi meditating voodoo, I getcha.’

He doesn’t look convinced, but she appreciates him going along with her. They walk back to their beds together, and whisper about what life will be like once the First Order is destroyed.

 

*

 

Twelve days on Batuu. They get a response, a transmission from Ogem. The name fills Rey with dread. Ogem is in the same system as Jakku, a nearby desert planet that’s just as rough. But there’s a transmission, and they want to help.

   ‘We don’t have enough fuel to make it to Ogem.’ Poe says.

General Leia nods. They barely have enough fuel to jump to lightspeed. Chewbacca is surveying Batuu as they speak, searching for any ports that might have left over fuel. They would need a lot to make it to the Western Region.

   ‘What if they come here?’ Finn asks. ‘They want to help right? We could make this our new base. If we get the electricity up and running, a couple more bodies helping out, we could run the Resistance from right here.’

   ‘In the Outer Rim? We’re lightyears away from the nearest system. No body is going to come all the way out here for a girl who might be a Jedi, a BB-8 unit, a wookie and a Stormtrooper!’ It’s the Orange Leader, Macti, who speaks.

   ‘They will come for General Leia.’

Rey barely registers opening her mouth, but surly enough the words are coming from her.

   ‘We need to stay in the shadows. The First Order is powerful, we are weak. The Rebellion…’ She looks at General Leia, who nods. ‘The Rebellion became too big, too public. Let them believe they thwarted us. That our spark was put out. That the last Jedi was killed by Kylo Ren, and with him went our hope.’

A smile pulls at Poe’s mouth. ‘And when we strike, we’ll do it quick, and small. No big bombers. No war.’

Finn steps forward. ‘There’s only one target that needs taking out.’

   ‘We will kill Kylo Ren, and put an end to this empire. Forever.’

Leia’s voice echoes over them. It does not waver. The Force swells inside of Rey, the settling of a decision, a destiny formed. It feels right. Killing him is what must be done.

The back of her hand burns where he touched her weeks ago. None of them know. They will never know.

 

*

 

The red sky. It is so dry here. She isn’t kneeling this time. She can walk. The red sky hurts her eyes, maybe if she pulls on her hood –   

‘ _Anything.’_

Rey awakes, gasping. Opposite her – Kylo Ren. He’s panting too, harsher, quicker. It’s hard to see in the dark but she swears there are tears rolling down his face. She doesn’t think, just reaches out to touch him, make it real, see if he really is capable of crying.

He’s gone as quickly as he woke her. She can’t live like this. She doesn’t know how to control it.

_Luke. You didn’t teach me this._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for the kudos thus far, appreciate it. i think im still working out who these people are, but im getting a little closer. 
> 
> maybe a kylo ren chapter next...thoughts?

 

Their numbers double, then triple. Whenever someone leaves the base, they are given Rebel tokens; flags with their symbol, Resistance rings, old helmets. Whatever isn’t needed is taken away to be scattered across the galaxy, given to the weak, the helpless, those hurt by the First Order. Rey doesn’t want these people to think they were abandoned. _We’re still here. We are fighting for you._

Soon they are receiving daily updates on the First Order. Supreme Leader Ren’s fleet is constantly moving. Searching. The bond stays silent. The Resistance is gaining strength. Rey gets to know her team, hears their stories, so similar to her own. Lost children, dead parents, rights stolen by the Empire. Houses torched, townspeople murdered, death at the hands of the Empire. The bond stays silent.

They start to become a family. Finn and Poe and BB-8. General Leia and Chewbacca work together like two old parts, easy and steadfast. Excitement starts to brew. There is a long way to go. They have no clue how they will get close to Kylo Ren, no idea if he has an apprentice of his own by now. Not to mention the moment they set out for him, between General Leia and herself, Ren will sense them coming. There won’t be an element of surprise. They have to trust he’ll want to face them. He will. His pride won’t allow him to turn them away. But once she’s there, she has to kill him and no doubt he will be even more powerful in the wake of Snoke’s death.

These thoughts run through her mind all day, each day. They play on an endless loop while she repairs broken carrier ships from Raxus, trains volunteers from Mos Eisley on hand-to-hand combat. And it is all going so well. It’s going so well, until.

New communications from Coruscant. The First Order are finding Force-sensitive children and executing them. Citizens are required to inform their local commander of any behaviour associated with Force-sensitive beings. A resistance to do so will result in prosecution.

Her blood runs cold, but only for a moment. Then it runs as hot as the Batuu sun. She feels the Force scatter around her, shifting, confused. She flees their compound, running into the woods. No one tries to stop her. She reaches for her lightsabre, swings – her hands are empty. She just wants to destroy and break and _hurt_ something. An angered yell bursts forth from her throat. Her lightsabre was destroyed by herself and Kylo Ren.

Kylo Ren. Her own curse words. An inhumane creature of the lowest breed.

‘Where are you?! _’_ She spits. ‘ _Supreme Leader_ Ren! Show yourself!’

She looks inside herself, reaches in deep, and tries for the first time to reach out to him. His part of the Force is like a beacon in her mind. She finds it easily. He appears before her with a jolt, looking surprised.

‘How did you – ‘

‘You’re murdering _children_?’

She has caught him off guard. He’s dressed in his robes with his mask in his hand. He doesn’t move to put it on. The sound of her heavy breathing fills her ears.  

‘I’ve done it before. You know what I did to Skywalker’s padawans.’

‘But that was before!’ She feels tears hot against her cheeks. She doesn’t care. There’s nothing he can make her feel ashamed for.

‘Before what?’ He almost smirks. ‘Before I met you?’

He suddenly looks so large, his looming black figure an ominous presence in the calm forest. She hates him more.

‘I thought you were – ‘

Her words catch in her throat. His bravado falters, mouth curving in a frown.

‘You were wrong. As you always are. And foolish.’ He looks at her shirt. There is a Resistance symbol on the front. ‘So you are still with the Resistance.’

Her emotions come crashing down and his words feel like cold water on her face. What has she done? She’s given herself away, revealed that she has stayed with the Rebels. They had been planting leads that a girl with great Force powers was bouncing between smugglers cities.

‘It-it’s an old shirt.’

‘Where are you?’

‘I’m not with the Resistance. The Resistance is dead.’

‘You’re lying. I can feel it.’

‘Without Master Skywalker, the rebels fell apart. It broke them. _You_ broke them.’ She’s now glad for the tears. It makes her look convincing. ‘I couldn’t stay.’

‘There’s something in you. A sense of purpose. I know you.’

She reaches again for a phantom sabre, wishing it was there. ‘You know what I allow you to know.’

For a moment neither of them speak. She doesn’t know what she wants to tell him, to ask of him. Nothing she says will stop him from doing what he thinks he must do. Nothing, except…

‘Are you really so doubtful of your own powers that you must kill anybody who can touch the Force? The great Kylo Ren, taken down by a child moving a pile of rocks?’

‘If they fear using the Force, they won’t use it.’

‘You can’t slaughter every Force-sensitive being out there. That’s impossible.’

‘Not every one. Just the ones that I find.’

The words tumble from her mouth, full of hate. ‘I wonder how long it was before your mother knew she had brought a monster into this world.’

She barely sees the shame pass over his eyes, but she does see it. ‘Not very.’

He looks at the Rebel symbol on her clothing. She hasn’t fooled him. Damn, damn it.

‘The Resistance is over. I _am_ alone. There’s nobody to stop you.’

‘As long as you live, that’s not true.’

It shakes her for a moment, his recognition of her power. He may be ruthless and hot-headed, but stupid he is not. He knows when he has been beat, or at the least matched.

‘I can’t stop you on my own. I’m not Luke Skywalker. I barely know what I am.’

‘So join me. We can figure it out, together.’

What frustrates her the most is that she believes him. Master Luke was suspended in the past, unable to look forward. General Leia would not understand her loneliness – she had been loved her whole life. Kylo Ren knows of loneliness, of not belonging, of holding immense power and not understanding what to do with it. Yet, she only has to remember watching Han falling into the heart of that oscillator to know it will never happen.

‘As long as you are Kylo Ren, I can never join you.’

The hurt is writ large over his striking face. Not unlike how he looked when she reached for Anakin Skywalker’s lightsabre on that destroyer. Betrayed.

A siren blares – from her side? No, the base is quiet, the sound is foreign. On his ship, then. A frenzied sound that makes Kylo Ren jump, then he is turning around, shouting – he vanishes. Rey stares at the empty space he occupied.

‘Kylo Ren.’ She says it aloud, again. In a twisted way, she enjoys the sound of it.  

 

*

 

The moment Rey steps back into the rebel base, her stomach flips and churns with guilt. She has given them away for good. Whatever ground they had spent the last few weeks gaining, they have lost. Her fault, her carelessness. Her anger that put them here. Her selfishness that’s betrayed them.

She can barely look at Finn and General Leia. She knows the General is suspicious, can feel her unease through the Force. Finn is just observant. They know the news of the murders hurt her deeply. She’s hoping they will chalk her unusual behaviour up to that. She has managed this long without telling them. It must simply go on.

That night, Poe is regaling them with one of his tale tales over dinner. Finn rolls his eyes at the story, as does she – they both know Poe never jumped to light speed with a busted wing, BB-8 hanging off the back of the X-Wing fighter with nothing but a paperclip.

‘Honestly, Dameron. A paperclip?’ Finn chuckles.

‘A _paperclip_. I’m telling you, I thought I was going to lose ol’ BB out there in Wild Space. But that hunk of scrap metal clung on for dear life!’

BB-8 makes a whirl of beeps. _Scrap metal?!_

‘But even once we made it out of lightspeed, here I am thinking, there’s no way we can land this thing with the wing like that. But lo and behold, there’s BB-8, tinkering away.’

The younger fighter pilots listen on in awe. They love Poe’s stories, and he loves telling them. It’s something to pass the time anyway, even if Rey knows it’s all nonsense.

‘Did that really happen, Captain Dameron?’ One of the newcomers asks.

‘Of course it really happened.’

‘Bet those First Order scum didn’t know what was coming.’ Another says, grinning ear to ear.

‘They knew. But that was a long time ago. This time, they ain’t got a clue.’ Poe’s roguish smile exudes confidence. His audience leers and laughs. They all think they’ve got some great upper hand.

Rey forces stew down her throat. She manages not to vomit.

 

*

 

She lasts two more days after that. The guilt is keeping her from sleeping, from eating. Every time she sees Rose’s hopeful face she feels sick. She has to tell them. Maybe General Leia can help her tame her mind, keep Kylo Ren out. She calls a meeting between herself, General Leia and Poe. The others can wait.

The General and Poe look uneasily at her. There are no offices, no private chambers in their rebel base. Secret meetings rarely occur. Everyone knows the plans, the information, together and at the same time. Rey has pulled them to a quiet corner of the cave.

‘There’s something I’ve got to tell you. I hope you can forgive me.’

General Leia looks concerned. Poe does not. She swallows.

‘What is it?’ He asks.

‘I have, I’ve been having…I’m connected to Kylo Ren.’

Neither of them flinch, neither of them spit and yell and kick her out. Her racing heart calms, if only slightly.

‘How so?’ General Leia asks.

‘We are connected through the Force. We can speak to one another, see one another. I can feel what he feels, sometimes. I can even tell what he’s afraid of.’

Poe’s arms cross and his face twists into a frown. He starts pacing. This panics her again. She had a feeling Poe would be the one who needed consoling over General Leia. General Leia at least understands what the Force feels like, and that sometimes it works beyond your control. His eyes dart about, not looking at her. He’s working it out.  

‘So we can know what he’s feeling, what’s going on his head.’ He says. ‘Good insight.’

‘But he can do the same to her.’ General Leia notes.

Poe nods almost aggressively. ‘Yes, he can. You can see him? Can you see where he is?’ The same fear she has been harbouring all week settles over him. ‘Does he know where we are?’

‘He’s figured out I’m with the Resistance.’

Poe groans, banging his fist against a nearby table. ‘Damn it!’

‘He doesn’t know where we are, or what we are planning. I don’t know what he’s doing either. Just that he’s isolated.’

‘You can’t control it.’ General Leia says. It isn’t a question. Rey shakes her head ‘no’.

She watches the two of them think it over. She knows Poe will be trying to find the strategic angle, how they can use this for their own gain. No doubt Kylo Ren is doing the same. She thinks General Leia may just be worried about her, but she shouldn’t be. She should be worried about all the people that have pledged themselves to this cause. That much, Rey knows without a doubt.

‘I should leave.’ She says. ‘I’m too much of a risk. The bond could show itself while we’re together, it could happen right now! He can find us through me.’

‘You’re not going anywhere. You’re too big of a target on your own. If you get captured, there’s nothing they won’t do to get information out of you.’ Poe says.

‘He can’t break into my mind. He tried, and failed.’

‘I don’t mean with the Force.’ Poe’s face turns grim.

‘I don’t think he’d…do that to me.’ For some reason, she knows it’s true. He won’t hurt her physically.

‘Hux will. He’s ruthless.’

General Leia sighs. ‘I fear that the closer your minds become, the more influence he’ll have over you.’

She juts her chin out. ‘What about the influence I might have over him?’

 ‘Ben Solo only lives in my memory now.’ The General’s lip trembles around her words. ‘He cannot be saved.’

‘No, he can’t.’ Rey steps towards General Leia. ‘But maybe he can be reformed, and become something new. A man that’s neither Ben Solo or Kylo Ren. Someone better.’

Rey feels a deep sorrow. It’s the Force, the General unable to keep her walls up. She feels sorrow and the harrowing sting of hope. Beyond the hope, a feeling she knows all too well – the knowledge that the hope will only crush you, and dreams only come true in the stories.

‘Rey, you’re still young. I have spent my life trying to fix this. My father first, and now my son. His heart is gone, he’s my child no more.’

The General turns to leave. Rey calls out after her. ‘Han didn’t think so!’ General Leia stops, her body tense. ‘Han thought there was a chance!’  

It is the wrong thing to say. She knows Ben Solo is as good as dead to the General. She’s suddenly struck with the image of a young Leia Organa, holding a happy, squirming, black-haired child. Rey had never thought of them like that. Mother and son are just the titles. But General Leia had held her baby at her breast, had taught him to walk and speak and comb his hair. She was there for all his human moments. She loved him the best she could.

It had not been enough.

‘Rey, you don’t – ‘

‘You weren’t there.’ She interrupts the General. She thinks of Han, holding out his hand. _Anything_. The desperation on Kylo Ren’s face – how he was for the briefest moment Ben Solo again, asking his father for help. _Begging_ for release from the pain, _God_ the _pain_. ‘Han knew there was good in him. He believed more in Ben than you do.’

A flash of anger in her eyes, and Rey remembers who she’s talking too. The General strides purposefully toward her.

‘And look what believing in Ben Solo did for him.’

She looks like she has more to say, a whole lot more, but General Leia snaps her mouth shuts and heads towards their make-shift mess hall.

‘I will think about this, and figure out the best way forward.’ She calls over her shoulder.

Rey looks over at Poe. He looks anywhere but at her. Furious, and embarrassed, she almost runs away from him in her haste. How stupid can she be? Lecturing _Princess Leia_ on loss, on Han Solo, on her own child. As if she understands half of what their lives have been.

She doesn’t belong in this world, not really. The Resistance and the Force and in the light of legends. She doesn’t fit.

So why is it so important to her that they find a way to give Kylo Ren another chance? The question steals her sleep that night, and many nights after.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i saw the last jedi again today lol couldnt help myself! also realised ive made quite a few errors...it was hard to remember everything from last week so im glad i got a refresher today! just as good the second time around. 
> 
> thank you for the notes and comments. much appreciated :)

His anger is all he has. It’s all that’s left.

Snoke is gone. He’s not foolish enough to think Hux holds any admiration or loyalty for him. The snivelling servant will strike him down when he thinks he has the chance. The other admirals, his advisors, they serve out of fear of retribution. Respect, they had that for Snoke. But for him? He is just a petulant child in their eyes. And the Stormtroopers – nothing but faceless slaves. They will jump in front of a blaster for him, but only because their programming makes it so.

His bloodline is both a blessing and a curse. He wields the great power of a Skywalker, there’s no doubt. And with it, overwhelming emotions. Anakin Skywalker was lead to the dark side by love – at least that was how Leia Organa always told him the story as a boy. Love for his grandmother, Queen Amidala.

Leia Organa. The wound of her is torn afresh each time he thinks her name. Dead, demeaned, never to be buried. He supresses the lump rising in his throat. Love will not ruin him as it did his Grandfather. He will not allow it.     

He’s left now without any allies. His mother and father, dead. Skywalker, dead. Snoke, dead. Chewbacca would sooner chop off his hand than offer it to him. And the girl.

He thought he had her. When she raised her hand, he thought she meant to take his. Then, he’d finally have a true partner. Maybe then, the madness of his mind would find some sort of peace. Maybe he wouldn’t have to _be_ so angry to survive.

She failed him. He feels the sting of it all over again, the embarrassment, the rejection, and something new he can’t name. Something that keeps him awake at night, thinking of her. _Kill the past._ It will not be as easy as he thought.  

And what to do next? He’s Supreme Leader now. There’s a fleet to be rebuilt. They’ll need money for that. Money from the taxes of the planets they rule, taxes from the worker who they’ll punish. More workers turned to slaves because he can’t afford to pay them. More children indoctrinated into the Stormtrooper program, more families broken. The vicious cycle of war begins again. The Rebels do it to themselves. There’s no Snoke to fear now. He can be a fair ruler, if they’ll just allow him to take the throne.

It would be easier with her beside him. Most species across the galaxy are still archaic enough to think women are soft of heart. There’s nothing soft about _her_. Even when he touched her hand, their skin meeting through the Force, he had felt the calluses there. Years of climbing, fighting, scavenging, doing what it took to live to the next day. There’s nothing soft about the sand on Jakku.

 _As long as you are Kylo Ren, I can never join you._  

He believes her. There’s only one way forward. When they meet, he knows he’ll have the strength to do what’s right.  

 

*

 

That strange feeling that won’t leave him alone. He’s too afraid to admit that it’s hope.

 

*

 

Things were especially hard after his embarrassment on Crait. He’d let his emotions get the better of him and he’d given Skywalker exactly what he wanted. He knows now that Skywalker is truly dead, had felt the disturbance in the Force. It is little consolation. He had made a complete fool of himself in front of his commanding officers and Lieutenant Hux. Defeated by a hologram, spooked by ghosts. Bested by the girl again and a dozen rebels. Anger burns through him at the thought of it.

Snoke was right. Raw energy and fear and bright red hatred. Such gifts rendered useless in his pathetic hands. He can only try so much, do so much. He has trained, he has sacrificed, and yet control eludes him. Where is his peace?

Is it the Maker’s will that he be alone, forever?

He feels it. The pull of the Force, beckoning him. Her on the other side. He pictures her, for his own sick delight, crooking her finger. Asking him there. Wanting him there, in her space.

She is ragged, tired and underfed. But, there is also…longing. _Anywhere but here_ , is what her mind seems to say to him.

‘You are alone.’ She says.

‘I’m in my chambers.’

‘No. You are alone.’

Like she _knows_ him. Like she could begin to understand the position _she’s_ put him in. Like she isn’t just as alone, just as desperate for something that feels like _home._ So he throws it right back in her face.

‘So are you.’

 

*

 

Their bond is torturous. To know she could be in front of him at any time, it fills him with dread. That and Hux breathing down his neck. That and the commanders sniggering behind his back. That and Luke and Han Solo on his shoulders, berating him. That and Leia. The First Order. The business that is their rule over the galaxy. And always Snoke, reminding him, ensuring he’ll never forget.

_You’ll never be Darth Vadar._

He swears he can feel her lips against his ear. Even if she didn’t speak, he’d understand her from the move of her mouth alone. But she does, the faintest whisper. The puff of her breath making his neck arch, curve, made submissive by her phantom touch.

_You never wanted to be._

He dreams of a great red desert.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sad kylo is sad :'(


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so much reylo fanfic going round, tis a glorious day. thanks for the continuing support. ill be going away for christmas so there wont be an update for at least a week! 
> 
> happy holidays to all xx

Their upcoming mission, the first since Crait, hangs heavy over their heads. Poe is going to lead a small team, flying to the First Order colony on Korrus. There’s a communication post there that they hope to attach a bug to, allowing them access to rudimentary First Order tracking capabilities. Fast, more reliable data on where the main fleet is, and where it might be going.

They’ve gathered a few small jets. They aren’t fighter jets, each only armed with a basic blaster and no shields. Poe is sure they will slip by undetected. They will approach as civilians. Korrus is a forgotten planet, so long under Empire rule that no Rebel would ever entertain the idea of taking it.

She sees how badly Poe needs this. They’ve been on Batuu for nearly a month. Here, he is a caged bird. She knows he needs to fly. General Leia makes him run her through the mission a half dozen times a day. He promises there won’t be any hero antics, no trying to save the entire galaxy with a ship that can barely click 20 parsecs.

They need the intel. They need the test. And they need the win.

Poe leaves with three jets and five bodies. People far smarter than herself calculate that they should be back in three days.

Finn spends the entire time pacing. He paces in the mess, in the training grounds, in the sleeping quarters. Rey is always with him. She tries to meditate. Every so often she feels _him_ at the back of her mind but when she focuses she can push him away. She practices her forms. Sometimes she just sleeps. She tries desperately not to count the hours.

Four days pass. When they hear the whoosh of a landing ship, Rey has to hold herself in place inside the base. She’s sick to her stomach. Part of her doesn’t want to know. Finn takes off, and is stumbling back to her side a few minutes later.

‘Only one ship came back.’ He says, looking ill.

‘Poe? Finn, what about Poe?’ Rey grabs his arm to steady him.

He can only stare dumbly at the ground, shaking.

‘Finn! Where’s Poe?!’ She asks, hearing the desperation in her own voice.

There’s a great hustle coming from the entrance to the base. Voices are shouting and med packs are being thrown over heads. She almost tosses Finn aside in her haste to get there, to see, to know for _certain._

She counts three bodies. One is Poe. He is lying on a stretcher and being carried toward their meagre medical bay. One of his eyes has been blown clear out of his head – a bloody gaping hole in its place. She only sees the horror of it for a moment before there are bandages and gauzes and something being injected into his arm.

He’s conscious. He’s remaining eye darts about in a frenzy. He sees her as he’s carried past. He must see the truth on her face. He has been irreversibly changed.

‘I’m a pilot!’ He suddenly shrieks. ‘I’m a pilot! I’m a _pilot!’_

He cries the words over and over as they carry him to the med-bay.

‘They knew.’

It’s Rose standing shell-shocked beside her. They knew. They fucking knew.

 

The sound of Poe’s heart-cries fill her nightmares.      

 

*

 

It’s better outside. She’s climbed further up the mountain face and she can see out through a gap in the trees. The small abandoned capital of Batuu sits in silence. In the moonlight, it all almost looks like a black and white painting.

‘I don’t want this now.’

She doesn’t bother turning her head. She can feel him sitting next to her. ‘I don’t want this ever.’

She hears the leather drag as he takes off his gloves. A heavy sigh leaves his body and out of the corner of her eye, she sees him run his hands through his hair. It’s getting long, his hairs getting long.

‘Bad day?’ She asks, not really caring.

‘Yeah. You?’

‘Awful.’ She sounds meek even to herself.

‘Tell me about it.’

‘I suspect you already know.’

‘What did we do?’

He’s playing dumb, like he didn’t take the details of the mission straight from her head. She knew it the moment Rose told her the First Order had been tipped off. Those two lives are on her. On him.

‘The attack on Korrus. The Resistance pilots.’

‘Mm. I think there was something about that in today’s report.’

A spark of anger ignites in her. ‘Will you stop playing stupid? I know you ordered the attack. You killed two good rebels, and irrevocably injured another. Not that you care in the slightest.’

‘Do you think I oversee every attack carried out by the First Order? I’m Supreme Leader. A routine defensive strike on Korrus is certainly not on my to-do list. There would be a hundred such engagements going on at any one time.’

His flippant dismissal of the deaths that happened without his knowledge does not placate her. It only angers her further.

‘Just because you don’t shoot the blaster doesn’t mean you’re free of the guilt.’

‘Fine. Blame their deaths on me, and not on the incompetence of your navigational systems and pilots.’

‘Happily!’

They stare away from each other, both pouting like children. She doesn’t want his easy explanations. She just wants to be mad at him for this and for everything bad in her life. She thinks of Poe, the panic splayed over his face.  

‘Poe Dameron lost his eye.’

‘Dameron. I remember him. Just have it replaced by a cybernetic, it’s a very simple procedure – ‘

‘I know it can be replaced.’ She bites out, ‘We don’t have the right droids. We’re just hoping it doesn’t get infected. C3PO thinks if enough time passes, the wound will heal over completely and a cybernetic won’t be compatible.’

‘I’m sorry for that.’

‘ _You’re_ the one that hurt him!’

‘The First Order rules over a thousand planets, billions of lives. I’m at the helm of something far greater than myself. It isn’t easy. I asked you to do this with me.’

She sputters, throwing her arms in the air. ‘Wh-don’t-this isn’t about that!’

He turns his body toward her. She looks him in the eyes for the first time. Earnest. The sight of his striking face makes her stomach twist with nerves. He looks – vulnerable.

‘Did you even stop to think what kind of impact you could have had, if you’d stayed with me? What lives you could have spared? I’m not – ‘ He struggles, looking around as if the answer might appear out of thin air and save him the trouble. ‘I’m made for this, but not without you.’

‘There wasn’t exactly time to stop and think.’ She says. Her stomach twists and twists, _flip flip flip_. ‘I just knew that what you were saying was wrong.’

‘I didn’t take the details of the rebel mission from your mind. But I would have.’

‘Exactly.’

She stands and walks away from him, to edge of the cliff face she has climbed. She wraps her arms around herself. A chill has settled over the mountain.

‘I’m so…confused. I don’t know what to make of you, or what’s happening.’

‘Rey. I’ll help you.’

His heavy voice sends shivers down her spine. She spins back to find him gone.

 

Maybe it was just the wind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry dameron :'(


End file.
